Why does a beautiful, intelligent, and successful woman act out like a desperate person when forming her most crucial relationship?


The Stanton Peele Addiction Website, April 1, 2010. This blog post also appeared on Stanton's Addiction in Society blog at PsychologyToday.com.

How Don’t You Notice Your Husband’s a Nazi?

Everyone loves Sandra Bullock. I love Sandra Bullock. She is so beautiful in a non-Hollywood, non-anorexic-model way; she seems so genuine; she is so appealing in her movies and in interviews.

And she was married to a motorcycle guy with a ton of tattoos whose former wife was a drug addicted porno star and whose picture giving a Nazi salute is being circulated. Hubby Jesse James also apparently had an ongoing string of mistresses, including an artificially enhanced woman also covered in tatts, one of which is a Nazi symbol.

Would you marry someone whose previous spouse - with whom he has a child - was a porn star and had a drug problem? Who was twice divorced before age 40? Who after each divorce married again within a year? (Mr. James married Janine Lindemulder in 2002, the same year he divorced his first wife, and divorced her in 2004, the year before he married Sandra.)

Ms. Bullock tearfully thanked her husband for having her back during award ceremonies. Meanwhile, he was apparently out scratching other women's backs - while facing them.

Why would a beautiful, intelligent, highly successful woman be so obtuse in selecting such an inappropriate mate and be so blind to his unsavory past and ongoing cheating? Is she dumb when it comes to people, or at least men - that is, emotionally unintelligent? Doesn't she value herself?

Why not marry a lawyer, or doctor, or car salesman - one without tattoos covering his entire arm, not so many children (James had 3) from ex-wives, who doesn't seem drawn to the underworld when it comes to sordid sex? When you're one of the most appealing stars in the world, you might find one or two such men available.

Then you might date him for a year or two before marrying him. Did Ms. Bullock - who as she approached forty had never before been married - feel desperate?

People like Ms. Bullock's inner and outer realities sometimes differ remarkably. Her constant tributes to her husband now appear marks of a desperately alone person.