In a remarkable debate, Drug Czar Gil Kerflowie, Vice President Joe Burden, and the President vigorously argued over American drug policy. The discussion was moderated by news anchor Pug McCurdle, well known for his repeat stints in Rehab.

 

The Stanton Peele Addiction Website, August 22, 2009.

Drug Czar, Veep, and President Debate Drug Policy

In a remarkable debate, Drug Czar Gil Kerflowie, Vice President Joe Burden, and the President vigorously argued over American drug policy. The discussion was moderated by news anchor Pug McCurdle, well known for his repeat stints in Rehab.

Pug: Gentlemen, before hitting the issues, I should say that all of you come to this debate with back stories. Czar Kerflowie, your son was arrested for pot. VP Burden, everyone noted you eschewed alcohol at the President's beer bash - so we all suspect alcoholism lurking somewhere in your background. And Mr. President, you famously confessed to using drugs as a youth, including a "little blow."

I should add that this is the first real debate with a Drug Czar since General Barry McCaffrey debated
legendary
drug policy reformer Norman Zinberg. (Off camera: Why do Democrats, even those who call the War on Drugs a failure, select a general and police chief to front their drug control efforts?)

Kerflowie: My son's arrest was the best thing that could have happened to him. That's why I'm four-square for keeping all drugs illegal - that is, the ones that are currently illegal. In my view, jail time is the right time for quitting drugs.

Burden: I have to disagree with you there, Czar Gil. Working in my basement laboratory, I've conclusively proven that addiction is an irreversible brain disease. Anyone who disagrees should be arrested! So I introduced a law.

Pug: If you feel so strongly that there is no such thing as drug abuse, only a brain disease, so that the law you wrote literally says the term should be eliminated from our vocabulary, then why did your administration pick a policeman to be Drug Czar rather than say a doctor?

Burden: (Shrugs) Introducing a bill in the Senate and getting the President to take you seriously are two different things. In fact, getting anyone to take you seriously - they threw my "brain disease" law in the Senate trash!

Pug: Gentlemen, while I respect your theories on quitting drugs, I should point out that the President here quit drugs on his own, without any apparent lasting effects. Would spending a few months at the
Betty Ford Center have really helped him? Or would it have prevented his being elected President? And being arrested for drugs would certainly have done that!

Kerflowie: We need to make a lesson of drug users - you know, except if they become President.

Burden: I say ban booze - I almost picked up those beer mugs and spilled their contents on the ground. I think the whole fight between the professor and the policeman was actually due to their brain diseases!

Pug: What about the President's mug?

Burden: I have caught the President smoking and I've sent him to the woodshed to reflect on his brain disease.

Pug: Mr. Burden, your point about the President's smoking brings up an interesting question. While the Czar is focused on illicit substances, a recent survey found that 12 percent of high school seniors misused prescription medications. These are drugs produced legally in the U.S.

Kerflowie: I say, jail 'em all!

Pug: When I was at Betty Ford, most residents were there for alcohol. And in second place was Oxycontin, a prescription drug. Isn't our fixation on illegal drugs misplaced?

Kerflowie: Off with their heads!

Burden: Rearrange their brains!

Pug: Mr. President?

The President: Gentlemen, I want to say I agree with all of your excellent views. I think we need to do a little of each in order to eliminate the scourge of drugs in America. (Wrinkles brow. Off camera.) I'm not going to touch this with a fork. David told me the drug thing would come back to bite me when I ran for President, but no one warned me: never level with kids about your own drug use! You don't think my kids will read my book, do you?

Pug: (Off camera) Won't it be harder to explain when they learn that you still smoke?

Pug: (Live) Well, gentlemen, our time is up. This has been an excellent discussion, and I think anyone watching is confident there will be no more drug abuse - (eyeing Veep) oops, I mean no more brain disease - by the end of this administration. Or at least not so much. Or at least it'll be with drugs made in America!

All: God bless America!